


Commentary

by WhatEvenAmI



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Bear - Freeform, M/M, Meme, Mental Health Issues, Non-Sexual Age Play, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:31:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6055087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatEvenAmI/pseuds/WhatEvenAmI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is where I'll post my answers to writing memes and other Tumblr asks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [lauralot89](http://lauralot89.tumblr.com/) asked: 'Commentary meme: the eighth chapter of the Plot Bunnies story, from "He asks Daddy at the table" to "He chomps the head off another apple bunny and smiles to himself."'

He asks Daddy at the table after his shower, while he bites the heads off his apple bunnies. “Daddy? Last night, did I do good?”

**Context:[this is an AU](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F4195374%2Fchapters%2F11024867&t=NzFmY2Q0NzBkNmU3MzU4NThiMTI1ZmFjN2Y4OWFlYWQ3MjQxNTA0ZCwzOUpSZnRCRQ%3D%3D) in which [APSHDS](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fseries%2F114886&t=OTJmODZjNTM3MmJjYzdmODQwNzE3NTJhMmMyZTM0ZDUyOGQ1YjdjZiwzOUpSZnRCRQ%3D%3D)!Bucky and Steve have tentatively begun to explore the possibility of having a sexual relationship. Bucky, in his little mindset, has asked if he’s done ‘good enough’ and Steve has to figure out how to answer. **

An apple slice twitches in Daddy’s hand. “Bucky, we don’t worry about that when you’re little, remember?”

**Steve realizes the implications of what Bucky asked, and he’s trying not to show how much it disturbs him. And here we see Responsible Parent Steve making a good parenting call: let’s _not_  go into an in-depth discussion about sex with the five-year-old.**

That’s not an answer. “But did I, though?” Doesn’t Daddy understand it’s important for him to _know?_

Daddy hesitates for so long that Bucky’s tummy starts to constrict, but then he says, “Yeah, Buck, last night was great. For me, anyway, and I hope it was good for you, too. But I really mean it, okay? You don’t have to worry about this stuff when you’re little. That’s your time to just be a kid.”

**Snowflake was taught that his ‘little’ side’s main purpose was to please his daddy. He was brutally tortured and shamed when he didn’t do it ‘well enough’. This is a remnant of Bucky’s time with Alex coming to the surface. (I mean, in any mindset, this is a sensitive subject for him. In any mindset he’s going to be really insecure about it.) Luckily, Steve is the best parent ever, and quickly reassures him before closing off the discussion.**

So Bucky goes back to eating his apple bunnies. It’s always strange to remember that his Daddy now really cares about him not getting hurt.

**It’s pretty much established that Steve’s the best parent ever, but come on, he’s competing against Pierce. The bar isn’t set all that high. Pierce never made apple bunnies, did he, now?**

He squirms uncomfortably. It always makes him feel guilty to think bad things about his last Daddy. ‘He’s gone,’ Bucky hears Miriam say, ‘he’s gone and he can’t hear what you’re thinking about him. No one can. What’s in your head is yours, James.’

**Snowflake was conditioned to be completely loyal to Pierce, and it’s still hard for him to speak (or even think) ill of him without feeling like he’s been bad, especially with his ongoing paranoia issues—to him, Pierce was all-knowing. It seems likely that he does periodically have to remind himself that no one can hear what he’s thinking, especially when he’s thinking something that makes him feel guilty.**

And sometimes, Bucky can’t help but think his last daddy really wasn’t a good daddy at all. And maybe, just maybe, Bucky really did deserve better.

He has to hold tight to Bucky Bear, who’s also getting a little nervous about Bucky having these thoughts. 

**Bucky Bear is _very_ nervous. Bucky Bear is a _good_ bear, thank you very much, and he does not want to have to be punished. Or retired.**

**(Where _do_ teddy bears go when they’re retired? Now I’m thinking of that "[Bear Bear](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWA7MqDxFNs)" animation that broke my fucking heart. JARVIS had better never let Bucky Bear see that video.)**

But he thinks it again, just to test it out. ‘My thoughts are all mine, and I think my last daddy was a bad daddy to me, and my daddy now is better.’ _  
_

**Bucky’s already starting to gain a tentative sense of autonomy and defiance, and last night’s events gave that a push in the right direction. You go, Bucky. Reclaim yourself. You deserve it, kiddo.**

He chomps the head off another apple bunny and smiles to himself.

**I’m not sure if this was the original intent, but I kind of hc Bucky’s penchant for biting the heads off apple bunnies as a subconscious sort of rebellion, given that the bunny was a major part of his time with Pierce. Basically, right here he’s saying ‘Screw Pierce and screw HYDRA’.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I'd put all of these in one place, so eventually answered Tumblr memes will end up posted here.
> 
>  [This is the commentary meme from Tumblr.](http://lingua-mortua.tumblr.com/post/132049869628/dvd-commentary-meme)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For an [ask meme](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/136296347485/reblog-if-you-are-a-fanfiction-author-and-would). [kerry-the-grouch](http://kerry-the-grouch.tumblr.com/) asked "My Only Sunshine: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11"

**2:** **What scene did you first put down?  
**  
I think I actually wrote this chronologically for once. Because I wanted to lead the reader to think it was about Little Bucky at first :) So I was working out the best way to do that.  
  
**3: What’s your favorite line of narration?  
**  
Well, out of three chapters, it’s hard to pick just one. So I didn’t. Here are a few:  
  
_“Hey,” Bucky begins. He’s recited this to himself a million times before coming in here because it’s hard to talk to Steve now. He doesn’t seem to comprehend half of what they say, and then he panics when he can’t figure out what they want. So Bucky has to be clear and concise and above all, calm. If he gets upset, Steve will panic. He’ll assume it’s his fault. If Bucky says the wrong thing, Steve might try to hurt himself an attempt at self-correction.“_  
  
(The moment when I reveal that Steve is the one who was captured by HYDRA.)   
  
_“He finishes the story with a sinking feeling. Steve’s nowhere near well enough to see Peggy anyway; he’s paranoid and reactive and way too panicky to make the trip down to DC. But one of these days, it’s going to come up, and it might not be because Steve finally feels up to going. Bucky doesn’t like to think about it, but Peggy can’t have much time left. Even if her body holds out, her mind’s slipping, more and more.”_  
  
(I definitely need to fit Peggy in this somewhere! Probably soon, because she and Steve had a very close relationship and as it is she’ll probably cane herself up out of her bed to personally beat the hell out of Bucky for not telling her Steve is alive.)  
  
_“The nickname “duckling” stuck because of the way Steve follows Bucky around when he’s confused, trailing close behind him with a hand wound tightly into his shirt. It’s a little cute and a lot sad. Bucky sees the lostness and the clouded fear on Steve’s face and doesn’t put up much of a protest. There’ve been a few times Steve was five and panicked had to be allowed to follow Bucky into the bathroom, but aside from that, he thinks he’d be okay with never letting go of his friend again.“_  
  
(I just love this, it’s really sad but also kind of cute and sweet. I’ve spent a lot of time babysitting, and often a nervous toddler will kind of attach themself to you. It’s cute, although the flipside it that you may end up trying to quickly pee while the little one bangs on the bathroom door. Poor Bucky. Although I’m maybe a terrible person, I also find it kind of funny to imagine Bucky just trying to take a piss while a nervous Steve is clinging to his shirt. Ah, the joys of parenthood.)  
  
_“It's_ sweet _when Steve hugs him tight and won’t let go, when he curls up in Bucky’s lap on movie night like he thinks he’s still ninety pounds. When he lets Bucky hold him and hold him and pretend he’ll never have to let go. And there are other things, like today, that are just_ fun _; the way Steve’s face lights up at apple rabbits and dinosaur chicken nuggets, or his delight at playing games like Candyland. And Bucky’s_ not _a pervert. He’s nothing like Pierce. He’d never force this kind of thing on anyone, would never touch a child like Pierce did with Steve. He_ knows _that. But it still feels fucking weird, intrinsically_ wrong _, to enjoy being with the kid.”_  
  
(Bucky finally embracing his paternal side. About time.)  
  
**4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?  
**  
_“I’ll never_ be _okay!” Steve bursts out, “I was never okay and you were always stuck with me and then after everything you brought me back here thinking—thinking—and now I'm_ worse _and I’ll always be this fucking wreck. Or the stupid_ kid _. And—and I only upset you, Bucky, I_ know _I do, you think I can’t tell but I_ can _. And then there’s this. You think I could live with myself if I killed you? If I killed anyone here? I should’ve died when the helicarrier went down. Or I should’ve just died when I was born.”_

_Bucky tilts Steve’s chin up. “Don’t you say that—”_

_“I shouldn’t. Have been._ Born _.” Steve says obdurately, looking Bucky right in the eye. “Tell me I’m not still fucking weak. Tell me I wasn’t a damn mistake. Tell me you_ won’t _always be stuck with—with—” Steve gestures angrily at himself._

_“I_ will _tell you you’re not weak,_  or _a mistake, damn it! You were_ never _weak. There’s a reason that doctor picked you for the serum. You think anyone else could’ve held out against HYDRA as long as you did? You got yourself_ away _from them, Steve, that’s not_ nothing _.”_  
  
(Several lines, I know, but it speaks volumes about the way Steve feels about himself, and the way Bucky feels about Steve. And Bucky giving comfort right after Steve’s just tried to knife him. And refusing to let him believe he’s worthless, just like always. Also! This a key plot point, and one of the major differences between Steve and Bucky. Steve got himself out of HYDRA’s mind control and helped Bucky take them down. And Bucky’s not bitter or anything, since it means he got his best friend back, but he’s very aware that it’s a testament to Steve’s determination and resilience and that he probably would not have been able to do it, had he been in Steve’s place.)  
  
**5: What part was hardest to write?  
**  
I think it was the first part of the second chapter. I knew where I wanted the plot to go, I was just struggling to get it moving.  
  
**6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?  
**  
It puts Steve in the position of being (maybe not being, but at least feeling) weak, and also Bucky being the one who went on to become Captain America, discover HYDRA, etc. It’s a whole different dynamic. It’s really interesting to explore, because Bucky and Steve have very different coping methods and survival skills to fit a given situation, and they also have different strengths and vulnerabilities. For example, Steve is more defiant than Bucky, but is easily manipulated by being praised for his strength or belittled for perceived weakness. He’s also very afraid of getting sick, or letting others see him be sick, and his weak spot is letting a trusted person take care of him when he's feeling weak and vulnerable. Though he doesn’t remember, these are holdovers from his pre-serum days with Bucky.  
  
**7: Where did the title come from?  
**  
Well, [Lauralot](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot) mentioned once that if Pierce had Captured Steve too (a Summer Soldier to his Winter) then he’d have been called Sunshine. So the title is from the childrens' song “You Are My Sunshine”.                                             
  
**9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?  
**  
Not exactly, though there are plenty of ideas I’m working on in my head for upcoming chapters. And plot bunnies are always welcome, by the way, since I’m still figuring out how the whole thing will come together.  
  
**11: What do you like best about this fic?  
**  
Exploring the dynamic of protective older-sibling Bucky, and fitting them back into their old pre-WWII roles of Bucky caring for needy Steve. (And Steve, now as then, struggling to be comfortable with that but also having to admit that he needs it.) Also, exploring how the former Captain America has been disgraced and humiliated, and Bucky loving and accepting him no matter what. (Just as he loved and accepted him pre-serum.)  
  
And basically writing Steve as a really fucked-up kid (and adult) and having him slowly come to terms with that, and everyone being really caring and nurturing with him. I suppose it’ll be interesting as his healing becomes more noticeable, too.  
  
**13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?  
**  
I don’t actually think I listened to music while writing this, though I may have been listening to ASMR videos. But hey, if you want to creep yourself out a bit, you could always listen to “You Are My Sunshine” while reading the fic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For an [ask meme](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/136296347485/reblog-if-you-are-a-fanfiction-author-and-would). [kerry-the-grouch](http://kerry-the-grouch.tumblr.com/) asked "For If Dreams Die, 3, 5, 11, 12, 15"

**3: What’s your favorite line of narration?**

_And Rogers is whipping his head up,_ snarling _and pulling Barnes closer. Laila can easily read the expression on his face:_  Mine.

(I just love Protective Steve in any context.)

**5: What part was hardest to write?**

The entire sex scene. I always feel like I’m really bad at writing sex, and I have a few favorite words I tend to use too many times when depicting it. I revised that scene so many times.

**11: What do you like best about this fic?**

Laila trying really hard to pretend she’s not turned on from watching Steve rut on Bucky. And trying really hard not to be weirded out by the affection she has for both of them.

**12: What do you like least about this fic?**

I think it’s too rushed. I might have added more details and length, maybe even more chapters. I even have this whole backstory for Laila that I might post if I ever figure out how to work it into a fic.

**15: What did you learn from writing this fic?**

Again, I try to work too fast. I should have kept this fic saved and added a whole lot more onto it. But then, I don’t know, a few people did seem to enjoy it as a short story. But yeah, I had life stuff going on and I really wanted to get all my ideas out, so I rushed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For an [ask meme](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/136296347485/reblog-if-you-are-a-fanfiction-author-and-would). [lauralot89](http://lauralot89.tumblr.com/) asked "A Swarm of Bunnies: 3, 4, 9"

**3: What’s your favorite line of narration?**

_And of course Pepper’s got her arms full with the blanket-wrapped kid, so when Tony comes back Winter ends up nestling against him, metal fingers wound lazily into his shirt, head buried under Tony’s chin. Of course Tony’s the one who ended up snuggling Murder Barnes._

(I just love their bizarre domestic life.)

**4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?**

_"Hey, okay, you’re fine. Nothing scary and, uh, murder-y in the Tower. Oh, wait, there is. I forgot we invited a HYDRA ex-commander to live two floors down because that wasn’t actually my decision. Other than Kentucky Fried, though, I think we’re fine.“_

**9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?**

Yes, there was one. And I’m actually not going to put it here because I was thinking of writing that as an added chapter when I get back home, so I don’t want to spoil it now.

(But I’ll tell you that it involved more James being awesome, Winter getting cuddled, and Tony’s bed being invaded.)

(EDIT: [That chapter is now posted](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5185913/chapters/13277695)!)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the commentary meme: "Later on, Thor graciously detangles an abashed James from the cape and tells him he'd make a very worthy stand-in ruler. His decree that cookies shall be eaten for breakfast reflects that he gives much thought to the desires of his subjects, and his ban on leeches shows that he cares greatly about their well-being. On Thor's next visit, he has a small James-sized cape. James continues to steal his anyway, but Thor never gets mad."

**Later on, Thor graciously detangles an abashed James from the cape and tells him he’d make a very worthy stand-in ruler.**

Context: This is a spinoff of “You Look Familiar Like My Mirror” and the chapter takes place recently after the split. James has started stealing everyone’s clothes. He’s feeling very insecure about his place in the Tower, and it’s a comfort thing. He used to be surrounded by affection and love, and he’s desperately trying to get back to that. Thor, unaware of this and only briefly visiting, thinks the theft is cute, especially since James stole his cape and then proceeded to get hopelessly tangled up in it. If I were ever to ask for fan art, it would be…well, a lot of things, but an embarrassed James tangled in Thor’s cape would make the list.

**His decree that cookies shall be eaten for breakfast reflects that he gives much thought to the desires of his subjects, and his ban on leeches shows that he cares greatly about their well-being.**  

Again, he’s trying to humor James. And he’s actually helping, because James really needs attention right now, particularly positive attention. 

**On Thor’s next visit, he has a small James-sized cape. James continues to steal his anyway, but Thor never gets mad.**

Now he figures out there’s a little more going on with James than he’d thought; the kid’s not just stealing his cape to play “ruler”, and though his gift was well-intentioned (and probably later appreciated, and worn to school on occasion), it’s not the costume James wants but the clothes of people who care about him. Because it’s comforting. James is like the girlfriend that steals all your sweaters, only he’ll trade them back to you for cookies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [DVD ask meme: submit a segment from my writing and I’ll give it commentary.](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/140659038750/dvd-commentary-meme)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the commentary meme: A Swarm of Bunnies, chapter four, from "Bucky takes his hand" to "drifts off to sleep."

**Bucky takes his hand as they rest with James nestled snugly between them, nuzzling Steve’s shirt and sucking his prosthetic thumb. “I know what you’re doing.”**

Context: James had a rough day at school because he mentioned his history of sexual abuse without realizing how other students might react to that. Steve, of course, feels horribly guilty for failing to prepare him.

**“What?” Steve says, still thinking of the pancake.**

Someone has a guilty conscience (about something other than what happened with James.) He totally set Brock up to deal with a nagging and insistent Winter on purpose. He’s not that sorry.

(I should really write a follow-up.)

**“You’re beating yourself up for this. You think it’s your fault.”**

Steve Rogers: a summary.

**“Well, yeah,” Steve says, “I should’ve made it clear—”**

Steve’s beating himself up in large part because he still sometimes equates James with Snowflake and it doesn’t work. Snowflake still had the basic brain structure/lived experience as an adult, and he was sharing head space with two adult personalities. He also has a great deal of shame about the sexual abuse. While James still has lingering trauma from what he went through, he doesn’t really understand the societal implications that often come with it, especially since the Avengers keep him as sheltered as possible. 

And so Steve’s blaming himself for this slip-up because he so often forgets that actual child James needs some alterations to his existing parenting methods. He doesn’t have the learned experience an adult has.

**Bucky cuts him off, squeezing his shoulder. “Steve,” he says, “Always with the self-flagellation. This kid’s been through some messed-up shit. We all have, and we’re all really messed up. This shit’s gonna happen. You can’t fix everything, even if you seem to think that’s your personal God-given job in life.”**

Being the person who talks sense into Steve’s head: Bucky’s God-given job in life. It’s a full-time occupation; Steve’s head is a hive of recklessness and self-blame.

**Steve swats him, but he goes on earnestly, “Look, Steve, we’re all gonna make mistakes, and even if we were perfect, this shit would still happen sometimes. And when it does we’ll get him through it. This is rough, but we’re gonna get him through it. All right?”**

Translation: Calm the hell down, Mr. His-Childhood-Must-Be-Perfect, you’re worse than Winter. Shit happens.

**Steve looks down at James, peaceful in sleep, one little hand squeezing gently on the foot of his bear. All of a sudden he’s overwhelmed with gratitude. He has his Bucky back, and his son, and he has his bizarre little family. It hits him, as it does now and again, that for the first couple years after he got out of the ice, he felt so damn alone. And he thought he’d always be alone.**

Mentally-struggling-recently-thawed Steve is one of my favorite things to write. I absolutely love all the writings expanding on his canon coping struggles and depression symptoms when he first comes out of the ice. And so here I have him flashing back to then, and he’s now relatively happy, healthy, and fulfilled. And though I like other stories that lay out the process where Steve attempts to build bridges through hobbies and friends, in this series I absolutely envision him getting Bucky back as the thing that saved him. 

**And now he has this, and it’s a weird-ass family, sure, but so much better than he ever could have asked for. And they’ll get James through all his hard times, and Bucky will get Steve through all his hard times, and if he thought he’d never have anything like this again, well, can he help tearing up a little?**

“So much better than he ever could have asked for” because honestly, who would have thought this up? “You’ll get your friend back, only he’s a brainwashed assassin who thinks he’s a kid. Then he splits into three people, so now you _actually_ have a kid, plus the world’s sulkiest assassin. On off-days you’ll hate-fuck the teammate who betrayed you, and you’ll have a vast working knowledge of animated Disney movies.”

**“Thank you,” he says hoarsely, and Bucky smiles at him and kisses his forehead, pulling him in close. Safe and together, crisis managed (at least for this moment) Steve closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.**

Content parents! Well, they deserve this rare and brief moment in which absolutely nothing is going wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the commentary meme: Chapter Nine from Don't Let the Plot Bunnies Bite, from "Want to take a nap?" to the end.

**“Want to take a nap?” he finally offers, because that seems the quickest way to get this all behind them. “You’d probably feel a lot better. I could come lie down with you, or read stories if you wanted.”**

Context: Bucky has had an emotionally exhausting and guilt-ridden day in which he’s desperately tried to repair the damage he caused in [The Monster Inside of Me.](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F4777982&t=YThkZTNkNzM3MWNlYWMyMWNlZmFhMThmNmM4ODEyOWM3MzdjYTI3OSx1M0RuYWM5eQ%3D%3D) Steve’s been trying to comfort him through an incoherent, sobbing apology in which he’s blamed himself for everything that’s ever gone wrong ever.

**Bucky nods. They were both up last night, and he’s probably worn himself out crying today.**

The complete meltdown during his apology was also self-perpetuating; Bucky worked himself into such a state of self-loathing that he didn’t even think he deserves the space to break down like he was doing, so he just kept panicking more as he tried to get the storm of emotions under control. He was met with a constant stream of love and forgiveness from Steve, which provided him the security and trust to just cry it out, but also engendered further self-loathing because how could he deserve that love and forgiveness? He eventually calmed down just because he wore himself to exhaustion, and now Steve’s trying to get him through that.

**Back in Bucky’s room, Steve scans the bookshelf while Bucky gets dressed for bed. And when he comes out of the bathroom, Steve has to smile. He’s wearing his Captain America pajamas.**

They make him feel safe. They’re also, to him, an offering of reconciliation that words cannot fully convey. “See, I really do love you. So…are you and I back to normal now?”

**He’s also turning Bucky Bear over and over in his hands, murmuring quietly to him. To Steve he says, “Hold on just a minute.”**

**He rummages under the bed, digging out a box. Inside are the little teddy bear pull-ups Tony made to match Bucky’s.**

Now, Bucky Bear would like to interject that he absolutely does not _need_ these pull-ups. He does _not_ have accidents, this is just a preventative measure on the part of a very careful operative. After all, Steve is sleeping in this bed with him. It was the Soldier who woke up to find he’d wet the bed next to Steve the previous night, and he found the experience highly unpleasant. 

Bucky Bear’s feeling like he’s been a very bad bear lately. He’s not entirely sure Steve isn’t still mad at him. He _was_ just taken away from Bucky, and he really, really doesn’t want to risk doing anything ‘bad’ again. Not when he’s already feeling so awful and scared.

**He shields Bucky Bear from view as he puts the pull-up on him, but it still sticks out from underneath his coat. Steve is very careful not to smile; Bucky Bear would not enjoy feeling like he’s being laughed at.**

This is very embearassing and Bucky Bear demands that the audience stop going “aww” this instant. 

(Poor bear. I put him through so much.)

**“All ready for bed, both of you?” he asks instead. Bucky bites his lip.**

**“Bucky Bear doesn’t feel good,” he whispers.**

**“Oh? Why is that, Bucky Bear?”**

**Neither boy nor bear answers, although Bucky tugs at Bucky Bear’s coat.**

Because he’s self-conscious and he feels like he looks pathetic and laughable in front of the Captain. He has very much wanted the Captain to think highly of him, and recently he cannot seem to manage that. And now there’s this. Bucky Bear’s just going through a beary stressful time right now.

**“Would a blanket help? Maybe a hug?” Bucky nods, and so they wrap the bear in a blanket burrito and Steve squeezes him tight. “Don’t feel bad, Bucky Bear. You can sleep between Bucky and me if that would help. Captain Ameribear, too.”**

Luckily, Steve has a much higher understanding of bear psychology at this point, and so he is tactful enough to provide cover and reassurance.

**Bucky says Bucky Bear would like that, and so there ends up being a pile of teddy bears in the bed between him and Steve.**

Everything in this series can be solved with bears.

**But Steve doesn’t let that stop him from hugging Bucky extra tight as they drift off to sleep.**

The healing power of bears has prevailed, reconciliation has occurred, and though Bucky will face some tough emotional battles in the coming weeks, he’s reconciled with Steve, establishing at least one safe space left to him as he tries to fix what he’s damaged.

Also, I love this mental image.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't Let the Plot Bunnies Bite, chapter 15, from "When the tears have stopped" to "The Soldier doesn't understand how this could possibly be okay."

**When the tears have stopped, he feels more exhausted than he did before, but his mind is somehow clearer and he makes a note to himself that perhaps crying does serve a useful function besides displaying weakness. “I’m sorry. I’d be able to complete my assignments now.”**

Context: the Soldier has experienced flashbacks that derailed his emotional capacity and left him unable to muster the focus or energy to complete his missions.

Crying has provided some relief from emotional buildup, and so the Soldier, already in a state of panic about feeling useless, completely neglects to check in with himself and skips straight to “okay, false alarm, I’m absolutely totally fine now, don’t mind that I was having a breakdown two minutes ago!”

**“Hold on,” Steve says, squeezing his shoulder, “You’re not going to do all ten. We’re going down to five today.”**

Winter’s also still trying to wrap his head around the idea that Steve cares more about his well-being than about how ‘useful’ he is.

**“But—” the Soldier begins to panic, but he cuts himself off, going still so as not to show distress.**

And this is why Steve didn’t just give him the day off from missions. He needs some sort of structure to keep him from completely breaking down.

**“What, Bucky? It’s okay, you can say what you want,” Steve encourages.**

**He doesn’t want to say it. Arguing with a handler is bad, even if they don’t punish for it here. He sits in stomach-wrenching turmoil, with Steve looking at him expectantly, until finally he can’t stand it anymore. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not sure what’s causing this, but I still can perform all main functions. Just give me a chance, I can do it.”**

In HYDRA he would have considered this very shameful. Accommodating for regular operational failure is one thing, but this just feels like weakness to him.

**“But you shouldn’t have to. It’s not healthy to keep pushing yourself through more than you can handle.”**

**“I can handle it!” He’s proving himself wrong with every octave his voice rises, with the threat of tears stinging his eyes, “I’ve been handling it!”**

Though Steve is right, this wasn’t great phrasing on his part when all the Soldier was hearing was “you’re showing weakness.” Still, in the long-term this message will benefit the Soldier: “I care about your health because I care about you as a person.”

**“And today you can’t,” Steve says evenly, “You’re having a breakdown. I should’ve been making sure you were doing okay.”**

**He shouldn’t have breakdowns. He should be able to gauge and maintain his own mental state. This is the kind of thing the chair would correct.**

And he still has a tendency to revert to “fry my brain whenever I screw up”. It’s a form of self-punishment, wanting the chair, and it also takes away the memory of exactly what was causing him distress.

**“This isn’t a punishment, Buck, it's—it’s a kind of maintenance.” Steve looks pained to even use that word, and so the Soldier does his best not let his relief show.**

“Maintenance? So you’re going to fix me!”

**“But my function,” he says, a little more calmly, “I’m supposed to complete at least ten missions a day.” That’s one of his parameters, for days when he is the Soldier, so that he can still be useful. And he already feels useless enough. It would be bad to go against Steve’s decisions, but he needs his ten missions.**

But he’s still fixated on this. His missions have been his lifeline since he threw that fit, and his current breakdown is only contributing to that fixation, the rationalization that if he can just keep getting his missions done, he can make everything be okay again.

**“Well, if you do your self-care, you’ll have six.”**

**But self-care is just stuff he’d be doing every day anyway, like taking his medication and following his sleep schedule. “I can do the other five…” he says, feeling the beginnings of panic working their way through him again.**

**“The schedule is being pushed back, Buck,” Steve says. His tone is firm and decisive, and the Soldier feels deeply relieved despite his shame. “We can reassign some of the tasks.”**

He does derive comfort from Steve’s “I’m taking charge” voice. Those of you who want this relationship to go in an entirely different direction, do with that what you will. But it reassures him when Steve gives him parameters he can follow.

**Others will have to make up for his failure. He hangs his head, and Steve strokes his hair. “It’s okay. We’re all here for you. If you need help, you can ask.”**

But Steve’s still addressing him as one would address a person, and it’s going to take the Soldier a while to fully understand that.

**But he shouldn’t need help. Those are his missions. And now he’s too incompetent to do even this much and he’s already been so bad recently. He wants to do better. It’s terrifying to realize that he just can’t.**

**“I know you need your orders,” Steve reaches over and squeezes his hand. “So this is what we’re going to do. You’re going to pick five of those tasks on the list, and I’ll stay here and help you. And then we’ll call your doctors and see if they can help you feel better.”**

**He wishes he could say he doesn’t need all that help.**

Winter, honey, you deserve all the support you can get. Take it when you need it.

**They tend to the Soldier’s plants first, since their health will fail without regular care. Following that, they begin vacuuming and sweeping his floor, and by then the Soldier has to admit that Steve made a good call. While folding his laundry, his concentration begins to fail so badly that it takes him nearly half an hour, with Steve’s constant prompting, to get his socks in pairs. The panic of it all and the fury at himself begins to spiral and it’s all he can do not to flip his fucking bed over when Steve puts a hand on his shoulder for the fifth time to ask him if he’s okay.**

**He can’t flip the bed. He can’t lash out he was already so bad when Steve told him he was allowed to be here and he promised, promised that he’d be better. He’s panting, clutching handfuls of his shirt, when Steve says they’re going to take a break and call the doctors. He leads the Soldier out of the room with laundry still scattered across the bed. Everything is all wrong.**

Ever since he lashed out at Tasha, the Soldier is very scared of physically losing control. He knows what kind of damage he can do. And he knows it’s bad to yell at his handlers. All the same, he’s feeling worked-up and awful and Steve ends up telling him to stop mid-task, which means a failed mission. 

**He tries to apologize and Steve says it’s okay. The Soldier doesn’t understand how this could possibly be okay.**

Cue the upcoming “because you’re a person” speech, although I imagine it’ll take Winter a long time to even begin to understand what that really means.

Speaking of which, I’m really interested to know how the Soldier interacts with the other Avengers. I have this headcanon that he and Tasha are wary of each other at first, but then she discovers that he does not share his counterparts’ aversion to her playing with his hair. (Even craves it, since Pierce probably played with his hair affectionately in the days before he forced the Soldier to act like a child.) But that’s just my headcanon.

(to her disappointment, the Soldier is still vehemently opposed to braids. Pigtails are a big “no” as well.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the [DVD commentary meme](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/132116016730/dvd-commentary-meme) and I encourage you all to send me commentary asks on Tumblr. (The meme says segments about 500 words long, but I'd definitely do longer ones. I love writing these.)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're still doing the dvd commentary meme I'd like to see: A Swarm of Bunnies, Ch. 2, from "Pepper takes James into the main bathroom" to "before the kid eats them all" (unless that's too long, in which case to "rubbing the fuzzy sleeves against his cheek").

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long commentaries are totally fine! I also welcome asks at any time!

**Pepper takes James into the main bathroom so she can run him a bubble bath, leaving Tony trying to coax Winter out of the bed to get cleaned up.**

Context: James and Winter slept with Tony and Pepper. Winter had a nightmare and wet the bed.

**He finally manages to get the man down the hall, and Tony thinks that’ll be the end of it. And blame it on his absentmindedness or lack of caffeine, but he completely doesn’t notice Winter’s following him until he practically has a heart attack when he turns around in the shower and Tall, Dark, and Creepy is staring at him miserably from from the other end of the tub.**

So Winter doesn’t really have an established set of boundaries. He was treated like a thing, and was washed down by HYDRA techs when necessary. He has no concept of privacy, and so when he’s shaken up and doesn’t want to be alone, it doesn’t really occur to him that he should maybe not climb into someone else’s shower.

**Okay, so out of the maybe ten showers on this floor, Winter just had to get in Tony’s. Someone really needs to talk to the guy about boundaries, and about not scaring a man out of his skin when he’s ass-naked and half-awake.**

Winter is stealthy by habit and he just kind of creeps up on people. Of all the times he’s deliberately been intimidating, this is not one of them. He has no idea he’s scared Tony, but it’s momentarily terrifying nonetheless.

**He looks at Winter’s red, disconsolate eyes and says nothing, just moves over to share the spray. And honestly, this is probably only in the top ten most uncomfortable showers he’s ever taken.**

I love the image of Tony awkwardly sharing the shower with Winter. 

**Winter, it turns out, really likes long showers. And stares pleadingly when Tony tries to get out.**

Really, really love Tony awkwardly sharing the shower. As well as Winter being cute.

**“What, are you scared of the Drain Monster?” Tony immediately kicks himself. The kid refused to shower for a week after the Shark Fin Incident, and for all the adult capacity Winter possesses, he seems to follow similar logic to a child at times. If he’s convinced the Winter Soldier that the shower drain will try to suck him down, he’ll never hear the end of it.**

A legitimate concern. Winter, you adorable trainwreck.

**“I.” Winter swallows, wraps his arms around himself. “I had a nightmare, I just…”**

**Tony thinks about what horrors could possibly scare the Soldier like this, and promises to stay, though having HYDRA’s greatest assassin hold him hostage in his own shower is really not the way he thought he’d start his day.**

Tony, don’t lie, you’ve probably been held hostage in lots of showers and loved every minute of it.

**By the time he finally coaxes Winter out, Pepper’s already dealt with the bed and JARVIS informs him that she and James are in the kitchen making breakfast. Tony tries to find some clothes for Winter to borrow, but he’s too big for any of the clothes in the closet. He gives some thought to letting his T-shirt become Winter’s crop top, but he’s just too wide to fit. The man could probably wear the proffered shirt on one of his thighs; he’s fucking built. In the end, the only thing that’ll fit him is a god-awful pink leopard-print Snuggie that Tony finds in the back of the closet.**

Petition to have Bucky in a crop top in Civil War. Our souls will need it.

**Winter seems happy enough with it, wrapping his arms around himself and rubbing the fuzzy sleeves against his cheek.**

I love recovering Winter discovering that he’s allowed to do things like be weak and break down and he’s allowed to like things, including things that are absolutely ridiculous or serve no mission function. Plus, it’s adorable.

**They’re about go to check how breakfast is coming along when something occurs to him. He stops Winter in the doorway. “Just wondering, has this been a problem for you before? You know, trouble sleeping and all.”**

**“Not usually,” Winter mutters, eyes on the ground, “Ever since the split.”**

Winter doesn’t have the physical body of the kid, and he handles trauma differently from the kid in some ways. But he is still traumatized, so I think this would still occasionally happen to him. The bedwetting isn’t strictly because of the child mindset, it was a response to trauma, and Winter’s been through some shit just like Bucky and the kid have.

**“I’m just saying, if you ever want, I’ll make you something like I do for the little guy. Any design you wanted, or whatever.”**

**Winter hesitates, his cheeks coloring red, and mumbles something inaudible.**

**“Gonna have to repeat that. We don’t all have superhearing.”**

**The following mumble contains the words “The Captain’s shield”, followed by what might be “Hello Kitty” and “like the colors.”**

Pure self-indulgence and a reference to [this fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5627569). I love the idea that the Winter Soldier discovers a liking for cute pink things. Also, he’s very sheltered in certain ways. In HYDRA it never came up, and in the Tower everyone is very, very careful not to tell him what he “should” and “shouldn’t” like.

So he likes cute pink things and Captain America’s shield.

I think he has some idea that this would be cause for ridicule if certain people found out. He knows that, vaguely, he’s just not sure why.

**Tony’s learned, by now, not to say a word, because it could possibly get him strangled, or worse, make Winter cry. “Okay, absolutely, I could totally do that. Now let’s go, I want at least one pancake before the kid eats them all.”**

**Winter pulls down the hood of the Snuggie to hide his red face and shuffles down the hall, not one to suffer kindly the potential theft of his pancakes.**

Usually Winter’s very indulgent of the kid. Pancakes, however, are a very serious matter.

**That’s twice in one morning Tony has experienced heart-feelings. It’s way too early to be having this many emotions, although this is one of those warm-fuzzy types. If Pepper is Mommy to James, then Tony thinks he just might’ve become the stand-in parent for the Winter Soldier.**

I love this idea. Tony just taking care of Winter. Especially because he’s such an incompetent parent and Winter really can be like a giant kid sometimes.

**That’s not so bad. He might even succeed in getting Winter to call him Tony the Magnificent.**

Tony, stop trying to make “Tony the Magnificent” happen. It’s not going to happen.

**He makes a mental note to try that later, and heads for the coffee.**

Tony no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally copy-pasted too much, and didn't realize until after I'd filled the whole thing out. Oops.
> 
> [DVD commentary meme](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/132116016730/dvd-commentary-meme)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short answers to various Tumblr asks.

**How many snuggies does Winter own?**

This was asked twice. Answer 1:

No one’s entirely sure. He nabbed that one from Tony and another was a gift from Crystal. Where the others keep coming from is anyone’s guess. Tony suspects the fuzzy things are breeding in his closet like rabbits.

Answer 2:

He once had them counted and categorized exactly, but then James started stealing them and now he doesn’t know.

(Imagine James stumbling around in a Winter-sized Snuggie, just crashing into things and tripping all over the place and getting stuck in the zipper.)

**How many times has James gotten hopelessly tangled in Thor's cape?**

He’s gotten the hang of wearing it by now. The only problem is chairs. He’ll forget he has the thing on and it’ll get caught in the chair and when he tries to get up he’ll just kind of fall over sideways. Not exactly the way a graceful, regal ruler rises from his throne.

That and the time Brock stepped on the end, just to be a dick.

**Has Bucky Bear's opinion of the bear pull-ups changed at all now that Winter is a separate person with a set of his own?**

Huh. I actually had not thought about this. But since the bear is pretty much all James since Winter is a separate person, he is much more amenable to them, especially seeing how Winter reacts to his own. 

**How does a typical parent-teacher conference go when Winter is the parent sent?**

I am so going to have to write a chapter where Winter has to go to a conference. It’s even better if James is in attendance and James ends up kind of supervising Winter instead of the other way around. Because that’s totally what happens. James isn’t always the best authority on things that are and are not appropriate to say to a kindergarten teacher, but he definitely does better than Winter does.

(On the way home he remarks that Winter’s supposed to be a highly adaptable operative. “I thought you were the one who was trained to blend in!” He then has to spend the rest of the night burying Winter in teddy bears and assuring him he’s not a failure.)

**Has James ever forgotten how small he is now and tried to put on Bucky's clothes, confused as to why everything was so huge?**

THAT IS SO CUTE!

But also heartbreaking, if it happens in the early days of the split when he still hasn’t come to terms with being a separate identity. Imagine him crying and refusing to change into his own clothes because this is the closest he can get to feeling the same as he did before.

(Bucky willingly surrenders his Little Mermaid t-shirt. Winter is secretly disappointed, because he wanted it for himself.)

**What do you envision as Bucky Bear's most embearassing moment?**

I think anything involving bear pull-ups, including one time when Tasha got caught up enthusiastically in a game of house in which Bucky Bear insisted he was absolutely not the baby. Tasha found that he had a pull-up on under his blue coat, and that game quickly ended for the sake of Bucky and the bear, who spent the rest of the day in a blanket burrito.

**Has James ever tried to steal and wear Lucky's collar?**

He has not, partially because a big part of the reason he steals peoples’ clothes is because he’s seeking the sense of comfort and love those people give him. Also, every time he tries to get too close to Lucky, his bear puts up a fuss.

**Has anyone at the tower ever bought a shirt or something they didn't especially want so that James could steal that instead of their favorite stuff?**

They’ve probably tried that, but it doesn’t really work. If an article of clothing is someone’s favorite, it’ll smell like them, he’ll have seen them wear it, etc. It’ll remind him of them. A brand-new shirt from the back of the closet just isn’t the same.

**Weirdest reason Steve and co. have ever been called in for a parent teacher meeting?**

“Hello, yes, is this Mr. Rogers? Yes, this is Mrs. Smith. Your son won’t stop growling and he’s trying to hibernate in the supply closet. He also threatened to eat another child, which is unacceptable.”

“I know, I’m very sorry. We’ll definitely have a talk with him tonight.”

“He’s also mentioned that when he comes out of hibernation he’s going to have cubs. I think we should meet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone else wants to ask me stuff, feel free to leave comments here or message me on tumblr.


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